Opening Up

It has been way too long since I have written here. I wish I could say that this post is going to be happy & fun but I don't think it will. What I'm going to be writing is something that has been on my mind a lot lately but I have just ignored it. It's something I don't want to admit but I feel the need to. It won't be easy to hit publish but I know when I do a huge weight will be lifted off of me. So here I go...

Growing up I have been the shy one, I didn't like crowds of new people I didn't know, I even went through a period of not going to Church when my parents were out of town. I felt most comfortable in my house or with people I knew. When I was a teenager I went through a period of depression, & my Mom & I had daily fights where we both ended up hurt & crying. I went to counseling & took some meds for my depression & got much better. I still wasn't the person I should/could have been, but I was better. When I moved out on my own for the first time it was because I couldn't respect my Mom enough to obey & not cause daily arguments. So I moved out. It took some time but our relationship grew. I feel like we repaired our broken relationship & got better. Looking back now I wish I had acted different then but I didn't. I lived in Tyler for about 2 years, had a pretty good job, and was enjoying my life. Only problem was I wasn't enjoying life like I should have. I met a Christian guy and we started dating, we really liked each other but our relationship didn't last for several reasons. One of those being sin. I won't go into detail but I did some things I shouldn't have done. That was about three years ago. During these past three years I have still struggled with different things. At times I like to think I'm perfect but I'm not. I'm far from it. I haven't been as close to God as I need to be. As much as I don't want to admit it, I pushed Him away. I turned to other things/people when I should have & needed to turn to God. Today I'm slowing crawling back to Him. I'm not where I need to be. I'm far from it. There are still many times when I don't turn to God, I ignore him. I know deep down inside that I need to change that but change is hard. I have been in a Beth Moore Bible study the past few weeks & it has made me really start to think about things & my life. I have ignored a lot but tonight I was opened back up & made myself think about some things. I realized that I can't go on living my life without God. He MUST be in my life daily, no matter what. There are several things in my life that I have been wanting lately but I haven't gotten them. I believe part of that is that my relationship with God hasn't been what it should be. Once I let Him back in my life he will start to bless me with things I have been wanting. I realized something: Why should He even bother giving me something now when I don't have my full faith in Him? I'm not trying to say that once I'm back on the right path and with Him 100% that he will grant me all my dreams & wishes. He may & he may not. I do know that as long as I'm off by myself & on vacation from Him then He won't. Life is hard & not easy at times but with God I can do it. Without Him, I am nothing. I don't want to be nothing, I want to be something. I want to be Katie. I want to be a Godly women not only for me but for my family, friends, & future Husband that is out there somewhere. 

Sorry if that made no sense at all or was just a mess. I was mostly writing things from my heart. It feels good to have that weight lifted off of me!